june 14, 1998

This is something I've been thinking about doing for over two years. I first mentioned it here.
It's taken me years to be able to openly talk about it, I'm not completely comfortable with it, but I've realized it does more harm to me to hold it in than to let it out.


June 14, 1998.

I woke up this morning feeling something was wrong. I get out of the bed I had been sleeping in at my friend's house, none of them are awake yet. It is so hot outside, the leather seats burn my back as I drive home. It's not only hot, it's sticky, the heavy oppressive thick air that only the South knows.

---

I go home everything is quiet, everyone seems on edge, but no one knows why. Alex is already awake, which is rare, he's not usually up this early. I take a shower and I put on a pair of Paris Blues jeans and a white Fruit of the Loom men's v-neck undershirt. I later come to think of this outfit as a bad luck charm, never to be worn again.

---

They pulled up to the house and got out of the car, two of them, a man and a woman. Mom walks outside and closes the front door behind her. They say something to her and she sits down on the steps. Alex and I watch from Mom and Dad’s bedroom window overlooking the porch. She is upset, her head buried in her hands, wiping her eyes with her palms. I am worried. I call Dad on his cell phone. He doesn’t answer, I leave a message "Dad, just wondering where you are, I'm at home. Call us back. I love you." The time passed slowly, I think I call Dad a second time. Finally Mom stands up and they head for the door.

“Lauren, Alex come downstairs” she says. She holds our hands and we sit down at the kitchen table. The only words I remember are Dad, car, accident, fatal. I don’t remember the combination. I cry out as my body collapses. The detective pulls me off the floor and I push him away.

---

I sit next to Mom as she picks up the phone to call my Dad’s younger sister. I hear her scream on the other end of the line.

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They come back a few hours later and start asking questions. Did your Dad seem happy last night? I am sitting on the kitchen counter. I am mad and rude. Yes. I say. Did your parents fight a lot? No. They fight the same amount as any parents.

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There was a gun in the car. The gun went off. It hit Dad in the chin below the right side of his mouth. The gunpowder residue was on his hand. They say suicide. I choose to believe accident.

---

Flowers start arriving. Lilies. Asiatic and Stargazer. Their perfume fills the house, it smells like death. Food is dropped off. No one is hungry. Dad always does the cooking.

---

In the mornings before the funeral mom is gone, meeting with the funeral home and making arrangements. I start making a collage of photos to display at the reception after the funeral.

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We leave for the funeral in a black limousine. We sit on the left side of the church. The simple walnut casket is closed it has more lilies on it. I walk out and notice so many people there, the church is full, there are people I don’t expect to see. At the burial there are bagpipes playing. We go to the reception. I talk to some family and introduce my friends. I sit outside on the porch. I eat a slice of ham, even though I'm not hungry, it is probably the first thing I have eaten in days.

---

After the funeral my Aunt and Uncle invite us to come swimming at the hotel pool where they are staying. It's so hot and miserable outside but I say no.

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We get Dad’s belongings back. His briefcase covered in evidence tape. I am mad that they just left the tape on. Parts of papers inside are covered in dried blood. His glasses are in a brown paper bag and broken.

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We go to the lot where his car is, I don’t remember why, but I remember something about donating it for parts. I see his car out of the corner of my eye. It is damaged and dented but not terribly. There is blood all over the front seat.

---

I start to realize how much weight I’ve lost. I am wearing my favorite pair of perfectly worn Levi’s, they have become loose and saggy. The normally loosely fitting gray v-neck is extra baggy. I notice my elbow bones are sticking out much more than normal. But I still have no appetite.

---

School starts. I get sick in the morning. All I can keep down is orange juice and that’s only for about 30 mins. I’m late for school for the first two weeks, that’s if I go in at all. Some mornings I make it to the parking lot but can’t go in.

---

I start seeing a therapist. She asks me on a scale of 1 to 10 how sad am I. I say a 10. She has me look at moving lights, red and green, for several minutes. She turns the light off and asks how sad am I now. I tell her 10. Inside I’m thinking this is bullshit. You expect me to look at lights for 5 minutes and then not feel sad that my Dad has just died?

---

I don’t remember at what point the pain starts to ease. I do remember that into the next few years there I nights that I cry myself to sleep.

things i love

1 | I love love love my rowing tights. I love them so much I wore them into Starbucks (Hello item number 1a. love of my life, PSLoJ) today after my regatta and didn't realize why people were looking at me funny.

2 | I also love them so much I'm even rethinking skinny jeans and leggings.

3 | I loved loved loved my Halloween costume this year. I wish I could be dressed up like that all the time. I'm not sure what it ended up being, something masquerade-y, with big Marie Antoinette type hair and a stenciled lace "mask".

4 | Dark nail polish (it was part of my costume but have yet to take it off). It's growing on me, and I've always been a no nail polish kind of gal.

5 | Cozy warm boots. I can't wait to wear them soon. Maybe with skinny jeans or leggings!

shameless self promotion

Just in case you haven't scrolled down to the sidebar...or maybe you're reading through Google Reader...I've started selling some of my photographs through etsy.com.
Stop by and have a look!

Etsy: Your place to buy & sell all things handmade modnyphotography.etsy.com

i'm back

I haven't been posting in a loooong time. I was over at tumblr but for whatever reason, I've decided to come back to blogger. I think I haven't posted in a while because I don't really have anything to say, that was one of the good things about tumblr, you can just post a picture or video, and not write anything. But at the same time that convenience has caused me to fall out of the habit of writing here and looking for things to talk about. So maybe that was just my long winded way of saying I'm trying to get back into the swing of things.
I've been trying to post my tumblr posts back on blogger, but I'm have trouble getting it to work. So hopefully, I can get that situated...
So, that's all for now. Except...HAPPY FALL!!

little things

Little things make me happy, like the fact that Fall is in the air and the breeze through my open window is rustling the curtains.

thank you instyle

My subscription to InStyle has offically paid for itself...remember those frustrating j.crew ads that talked about Jenna, but never told you who she is? She's j.crew's creative director! My life is now complete and I no longer spend hours pondering. Thank you InStyle.

i love this stuff!

Oikos Organic Greek Honey Yogurt. It's so delicious and creamy and has honey on the bottom. And is so tasty with granola and strawberries and blueberries. You should try it! Yum!